(no subject)

I have a job. Orientation is tomorrow at 5:45pm. Here begins my foray into the world of pizza delivery. With gas at $3.90 per gallon, I don't see much of a profit in the near future. Movies I have seen over the last few days:

To Save a Life
Let Me In
I Spit on Your Grave
Due Date
Hall Pass
127 Hours

Movies that were worth a damn:

Anyway it feels like starting all over again. Like I did, 10 years ago when I was new to the job world. Considering the pay, it's exactly the same.

A little off
it's pretty fucking funny when an old guy like Count Tolstoy is telling me that girls want confidence. That's right, a guy that's been dead for 100 years is schooling me. 3 girls, basically without the presence of a man for some time, and they all perk up and doll out when a Prince comes by (they're all Princesses and Ladies). And he's a good looking chap, very handsome, and comes from a good family. But you know what got their attention? Acting like he didn't care for their undivided attention. That sent their hearts a-flutter. Act like you're better than girls, like you're above their nonsense, and you will be the object of their desire. If I'd only read this when I was 20, or 15, or 10 .. hell like that would change anything. If you don't have any self-confidence then so fucking what. You might not have any because you haven't done anything to build that up. Or maybe you just don't need any. Girls don't have to have confidence, and they get laid whenever they want. The shy girls get picked up by the skeezy guys who can't get the hot-to-average girls. But the shy guys get none, cause there's no such thing as skeezy girls who will notice a shy guy and take advantage of him. They're too busy flirting with the confident guys. And that's reality. It's too bad desire doesn't elicit desire. The way it should be, no games, just pure love between good-hearted people.

Oh, Leo. You had a daughter, so that proves you got some at some point in your life.

I watched an episode of Frasier last night, where Niles went off on how he feels he and his brother are failures at being just one of the regular guys. Martin Crane is a stand-up guy. Even though his boys are different, he still loves them and never thought of them as failures. But the boys see it differently. They're not to be found in a pool hall guzzling down a few "brewsters" as he put it. I kind of sympathize with this fictional character. I don't get society, I don't get regular guys and why I can't be like them. On the other hand, those boys were both married at some point. And anyway, it's just a TV show. Still, the sentiment is the same. Try as I might, I won't ever be a regular guy.

Good Luck, Bro
just now at Target, I was ready to check out with Jamie after a grocery shopping trip that took far too long. As we finally approach the checkout lanes, she all of a sudden starts walking away, towards the dresses & handbags. I pleaded to her, "But Jamie, the checkout lanes are right here!" A guy walking past consoles me with, "Good luck, bro." I just laughed and said thanks. I guess he's been there, so many times. I might not ever truly know what it's like to be a boyfriend or a husband, but I have an idea. Only wish I knew what the good parts were all about.

[I'm gonna need it]

(no subject)

had a decent weekend, finally got out the guitars with Ryan and worked through a few songs. Watched something with Derek. Saturday I can't remember what I did, and Sunday Jamie's friend Aaron was having a BBQ at this swanky apt complex in UTC. I'd been there before, years ago. It's got a nice pool, looks like a resort. Great steaks and chicken, best food I've had all week. Today was just as good, Jamie bought a couple of pizzas and gave me one, a Linguica pizza. Never had that as a topping before .. it's close to the sausage I've made before but I guess even chicken tastes different on a pizza. Tomorrow I go back to bowls of rice and an occasional glass of soda for sugar. I've sort of plateaued on the weight loss, so tonight I'm going running. Doesn't help that I had BBQ yesterday and a full pizza today, but if i run tonight after a grocery store run with Jamie, at least I'll be in the habit of doing some daily cardio. I'll be better off by the end of the week.

Called back my potential part time minimum wage pizza delivery job for the 5th time since I was told I was certain to have the job. Every time the manager tells me my background check hasn't come in. So it's been a week and he told me to call back today, I did, and he wasnt even there. I have to call back tomorrow. It's kind of the worst time to have a job that requires you to fuel your own car, with all the revolutions going on in the Arab world. Gas is at $3.70/gallon and keeps rising. Not much of a prospect. I saw a segment on the news yesterday of some kid working in Kearney Mesa pissed off at the rising fuel prices, saying he makes about $100 less per week doing his pizza delivery job. And it's just that kind of job I wish I had. Any job, really. I keep applying online and don't hear anything back. This administration has no accountability, we still have high unemployment and no end in sight. I heard we were gonna have some Change.

girl roommate
so not since Lisa, who was my roommate for like a month when I lived with that one guy and his son, and Derrick .. not since then have I had a girl roommate. Unless you're counting my sister for years back home. Living with Jamie is actually pretty tolerable. She cleans a lot and is a bit obsessive compulsive about it, but I only have to chip in where I normally would .. and I mean the same amount I'd do back in the house at Mira Mesa. I vacuum and steam clean a bit, I pick up when Riley (her dog) nabs something out of the trash or entirely dumps out the trash can looking for food. I take him for walks for $50 a week dogsitting fee, but lately that's been reduced because her dumb ass got a parking ticket for fraudulently tampering with a legitimate ticket, so now she owes the UC big time. That was helping me out for a while. Not eating so well now .. a bowl or two of rice per day, and whatever else I can find. Maybe an orange per day. Jamie makes food too, and she's actually a pretty good cook, but I don't like taking free food or food for work .. I'd rather have cash for services rendered. just a matter of time. We get along pretty great. We watch some shows together, mostly alone though. She's not really the political or current events type, more of an activist. We go to the gym together, she gives advice and I pretend to listen. She walks around in her underwear once in a while, which makes me feel a lot more comfortable because back at the house that's what me and the guys did. It'd be hot or hell we just didn't want to wear shorts or pants. Now I don't have to care if I wanna lounge in boxers. It's like living with the guys again. Just real comfortable. She says we're all one little dysfunctional family, a tiny Asian girl, a big Latin guy, and a big dog. I think we function pretty well.

panic attack

a mild panic attack, not at all like the ones I had growing up where I'd choke and my heart would stop. But I'm thinking about a life without her, and it's getting to me. I think my mind is going. My brain is melting away. I just found out I'm 11,129 days old, today, and I can safely say 11,000 of those nights I've slept alone in bed. While I laid there shivering and trembling I realized that it's been 6 years, six whole years since she first did this to me. 3 years ago I had her talking to me, and then nothing, then her boyfriends and everything else caught up with her life. 6 years and I'm back in the same spot I was. Just older and fatter, hungrier and colder, poorer and weaker. Less cute. I should have died at 29 or younger. Now it's just pathetic, and I can save face if I do it at 30 and not 31. I would die HAPPILY at 30 if half of those years could have been spent in the arms of a girl, and half of those nights I wouldn't have to go to bed alone and cold. I should have done something, and married her young, at 17 or 18 or whatever, so she wouldn't have done what she did, and turned away from me all those times. She was always the only one for me. I know she's set on living a life without me in it, by the way she's kept her silence over the years. I think I might finalize that. My mind is gone, I'm really set on doing this thing. I'd do it tonight if I didn't want to square away things with Jamie for March's rent. Once I get a check in, I'll be able to leave and she'll have enough time to find a new roommate and things will be settled.

Jim called, I have to call him back. This weekend I went over to Derek's, and we actually watched some good movies in between the new shit that's always pretty bad. For once, there were some that weren't that bad. Trying to give people an education in American cinema is a lost cause. Not just Derek, but anyone really. People are less interested in art and more interested in entertainment. Everything seems to be a lost cause. Since I've started War & Peace I've had this feeling I wasn't going to finish it. It's actually a pretty easy read, nothing really deep so far and I'm 150 pages in, out of 1,100. War & Peace is a lost cause. I'll learn all about the Grand Armee's attack on Russia, and the Russians routing them out and delivering them to the Duke of Wellington (so to speak), and whatever else. It's not really important, none of it will be in a month or so. I still need to get a job so I can pay back debts I owe, and my one lead keeps stalling on me. I called back the pizza job and they told me for some reason the background check is really slow, so I should call back in a week. They told me this last week. I called my Sony job again and they're telling me March or April. They said next month last month, and the same thing before that. I still keep applying online to different places but nothing ever comes out of it. I'm down to $5 cash and $3 in a checking account. I don't have gas to go applying and dropping off resumes again. And it doesn't matter. It won't amount to anything, just like me.

I would have turned 1 BILLION seconds old on May 12th, 2012.

On Death ...

Death is regrettable, life is inevitable, but love is imperative. I think I've thought about those three things the most in my life, in all my daydreams and nightmares. Nothing else has occupied my mind so much. They led me to philosophers and pontificators. I guess I should begin with how I feel about the end.

I should open with a declaration, that I do believe there is life after death. There most certainly must be an afterlife.  Without something beyond our mortal coils, the whole human condition is meaningless. And I refuse to believe not only humans but all life on Earth, even the very firmament itself and the great star it circles while whipping around a galaxy that spreads apart from other galaxies .. that all life and all motion is meaningless.

I've had a taste of nihilism, and I reject a good deal of it. Neitzsche had a couple good ideas. In the chapter "The Shadow" from 'Thus Spake Zarathustra', the Shadow says to our dear Zarathustra, "Nothing liveth any longer that I love; how should I still love myself? 'To live as I incline, or not to live at all': so do I wish; so wishest also the holiest." He brings up a good point. We are all capable of determining when we should cease to exist, but the majority of us let death happen to us. Why do we do that? Well, most of us have happy lives, and we live in content. A good deal of us don't have that luxury. We scrape for nothing. People live in horrible countries where their government has forgotten about them. The earth is being overpopulated and underfed. And while people consider leaving the world, most are afraid to do it. Some are afraid out of natural skepticism, our innate fear of the unknown. Others have had fear driven into them by religious zealots. And yet others due to obligations to loved ones. Me, I'm selfish in this sense. I'm totally selfish. I have always considered my life to be my own. If I don't feel love any more, and I don't have a desire for anything .. why should I stay? Shakespeare put it as such:

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous fortune;
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: To die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to?


But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered Countrey from whose Bourne
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather beare those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all"

It's cowardice that keeps us here. I remember when I read The Brothers Karamazov that there was a footnote about some famous theologian who preached that suicide wasn't a sin, and he drowned himself in a river shortly thereafter. I guess if you are afraid of something after death, it has to be one of two things, nothing or something. And I think most people are afraid of "something". The idea of Hell. A little horned man in red tights with a prod, maybe he has companions, and they prod people all day. Silly notion. Even if I were to believe in a person like Lucifer .. I would feel sorry for him. I would pity the devil. "Satan" is Hebrew for enemy or accuser. So he turned on God, and God cast him out. Must be the same God responsible for all those floods and deaths and plagues. That Old Testament, vengeful God. While Milton gives us a nice portrait of how things shaped out after "dubious battle" and the fall, and Satan's temptations of the newly formed humans, it's a flawed story in keeping with modern Christianity. The Christian God is a god of love and forgiveness, even unto Angels and 2/3rds of Heaven's deserters. But I don't even believe in a hot place, down there. I've read of temptations of Jesus in the Bible, and I don't know if I can believe that. I think there is a punishment worse than a Lake of Fire and all of John's hogwash in Revelation, and not so much even the Gospel of John. If anyone's account is to be taken, it's the Gospel of Luke, and even then I question some parts. But for those fearing torture and a fiery furnace, I would say to read your bible. The worst fate a man or a soul can suffer is the loss of God. If Satan suffered at all, it wasn't because he was in Pandemonium, it was because he was without the presence of God. I have some doubt that I have to get rid of before I die.

This is my doubt, that there could possibly be nothing after death. That Neitzsche and the nihilists and atheists were right, and there is nothing beyond this world but science and facts and a seemingly meaningless universe. That all we can attain to become is the Ubermensch, and we must all climb on top of one another if we're to be complacent while we as individuals exist. Then another thought arises, one voiced by the character Smerdyakov in The Brothers Karamazov ... "If God is dead, everything is permissible." I've heard a lot of Christians espousing the naive "With God, anything is possible", I say it's naive because a good amount of people have done things with or without God in their lives, Neitzsche for instance. The saying itself takes the human element and all human ingenuity out of the equation, and attributes everything to God. These are the people that glorify everything to God, in the highest. While I think God has created some glorious works, I think he created us so that we could create things ourselves. To paraphrase C.S. Lewis, God doesn't want us to sit here on earth and do nothing. He wants us to grow and think and create. He would take the same pride in us as a father would watching his child crawl and walk and stand up tall. I think we owe a lot of credit to ourselves. Plus, I don't think God has as much of a hand in the affairs of the world, the way he used to, or if he ever did. I believe he created the universe and the world, planted seeds and watched them grow, created animal life and saw them change from being to being. About 8 years ago, after reading Daniel Quinn's Ishmael, I believed that we were just another station in Simian evolution, and something higher would come after us, and so on and so on. While I do believe in evolution, I'm starting to believe that we are at the apex of all creation .. that maybe all evolution has led up to this point. And while that's a stupid and irrational belief, I hold to it. I think we're at a point of understanding here in time, that if we move forward either away from God into a purely rationalized and analyzed universe, where all things are accounted for (which I highly doubt they will be), we could lose the whole point of existence. That isn't to say that we should head back either, and do away with all the progress we've made or are still making in understanding the world. I just think we should move with God, as Einstein and Galileo did. But maybe I'm wrong about us being the end of the line for the Primates. I question myself too, you know. So that covers "With God, anything is possible". I'll save "If God is dead, everything is permissible" for later. Back to death.

If we somehow end up in a world without a God, then we are really in Hell. Either on this little planet, third rock from the Sun, or after our dying breath. Because without God there is no meaning or purpose to life. You might think I mean, we must be subservient to God. We have to worship him all day and all night. No. I mean we have nothing out there except the blackness of space. That's hell. No companionship. No reason for anything. Everything ever made by human hands, every creature that scurried along the surface, every person you ever cared about will one day mean nothing, and the Earth wont even be here, nor the Sun, and the galaxy will clash with another galaxy and we might become a super galaxy and more chaos and entropy until we're all just a mess of nothing. Back to ashes and nothing else.

I don't buy it. I believe in Heaven. There are other religions to consider, but I don't buy reincarnation. It's a near-endless pattern of pain and suffering, hopefully followed by enlightenment. But even if you make it to nirvana, then what? With who? What's the point if we don't have each other. I read up on Mahayana Buddhism, it's probably the nearest to my own personal philosophy. Like everything else, it has its flaws and I have my questions. I just can't deal with reincarnation .. I don't need to go through this place however many times to get it right ... I really think it's just one and done.

Then you have to consider, who makes it into Heaven? How can bad people be rewarded into Heaven? Crimes against the innocent, and keep in mind I mean all innocents, not just children but animals, good people, etc. Questions considered by Ivan in Karamazov, in the chapter Rebellion. If the whole world has to suffer so we can attain eternal harmony, is it worth it that innocent people had to pay? When will the victim embrace the murderer? Ivan says to Alyosha, for the love of humanity he doesn't want it. He doesn't want a world where such sacrifices have to be made. Too high a price is asked for harmony. It's a legitimate question. How can Heaven allow this? And then we're back to Rebellion, and Lucifer falling out of favor with God. How can we as humans accept this? And I personally don't have an answer to that, except faith. That somehow in faith, all will be revealed. I know of mass murderers, from the first antichrist, Napoleon Bonaparte, to the second, Adolf Hitler, to modern war criminals like Saddam and Osama. And I know they all started off as little boys or little girls. Brought up in bad situations, in bad ways, and they turned to evil. I don't pretend to know how God doles out punishment. Maybe in the form of banishment. I really don't know, I just have faith that it's taken care of.

So, standing on a precipice (Crime & Punishment), a thousand feet up, with nothing in front or behind you, how long do you stand up there before you simply give in? In any case, it's a transition. I know it to be a transition into the afterlife. It's a natural part of life, something none of us can avoid. We all got it coming. Why not be in charge of when and where? Clint Eastwood once said, "It's a hell of a thing killin a man. Take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna get." It's true, you can't have any more earthly pleasures. Yet I believe what's yours is yours, and you take everything that's important with you.

I'm sure of what lies ahead, after death. I given death a lot of thought during my life. I've focused most of the questions I've had over the years into what I can comfortably say are well-thought out answers. For those I can't, I leave up to God. You have to believe death is not the end, that we will be reunited someday. Anything less, and your world is the void, and you are without lasting meaning. There is so much more to this place than just what we see. The real world, behind this world, will be revealed.

Tolstoy has something to say about love
The setting is Russia, near the battlefronts with Napoleon and the Grand Armee. The Russian troops are anxious and excited about their upcoming first engagements, and while they sit and wait for orders, an old grey-haired, gin blossomed Captain is giving a bit of knowledge to a young Ensign.

from War & Peace, Part II, Chapter IV.

"I am writing to her ... You see, my dear boy, we are plunged in slumber, we are the children of dust and ashes until we love ... but love, and you are a god, you are pure, as on the first day of creation ..."

I always wanted to be proposed to ...
maybe that's what's been holding me back, all these years. I didn't have the courage to step to girls, but I expected some princess to sweep me off my feet. She'd have to be seriously strong to do that. I've spent a lot of time daydreaming about my wedding over the past 10 or 15 years. Guess I should have gotten married sometime in between there. I always wanted that all black tux, brilliantly white shirt, gold cuff links, hair all perfect, a pristine bride in white, happy to be mine forever, and to make me hers. And music. God I've thought about wedding music. Reception, ceremony, everything. I love music. I really love those beautiful 90's love ballads. Paula Abdul's "Will You Marry Me?", the thought of a girl so deeply in love with her boy, she has to pop the question. It's fantasy sure, but I'm also sure it does happen. That's what I wanted.

One song I definitely, absolutely could not do without in my ceremony, would have to be Amy Grant's "Every Heartbeat". That song is just so happy and bouncy and joyous, and it says everything. In fact, that whole album has great songs on there that are just universal. That song would have to, I mean HAVE TO be our "first dance" song, unless my bride also has something she's been waiting her whole life to dance to. And definitely not something stupid and lame like Etta James's "At Last". Nothing against her, in fact I like her jazz stylings, it's just so overdone. Probably not Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters", like one wedding I went to. It's always some slow song, which is great but I'd wanna dance to something upbeat. Then maybe the groomsmen and I would do a musical number to Color Me Badd's "All 4 Love" just to be goofy. Well I've got the groomsmen part down cold. I have sooo many guy friends. I have a few Best Man candidates to choose from. Honestly, that says a lot about how lucky I am to have my friends, and the quality of character of the people I've chosen to be very close friends. Lacking a bride though. Or anything that even closely resembles a candidate. Just how it goes sometimes ^_^

So I didn't get my first dance with my wife, and I didn't get to share my heart with anyone. But I did get to share it with all these beautiful people I've been blessed with. I love you all so much, and I want you to know that every heartbeat has always belonged to you.

(no subject)
Personally, I would like to work for a living again, instead of living on assistance. I want 40 hours a week, and I want to be a hard working man again. Being able to sustain myself would be a load off my mind, and then I could get around to debts owed. Work, real gainful employment, should be available to everyone, everywhere. At least in some form, take it or leave it. But no one has the cash, or for some reason they just don't want me. Meanwhile Candides are telling us to keep our spirits up and things will turn around. Where's Lenin and Trotsky when you need them? It's almost 100 years since those days, and in another part of the world we're in the same shitty situation. Someone has to balance out the wealth in this country, by force if necessary. Someone has to end greed.


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